Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
